Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Tips From the Watering Hole - OR - How to find a nice Jewish Girl (Chayei Sara)

By Dr. Dreidel
(NOTE: This is THE Parsha that inspired The Watering Hole!)

The Torah. How can such an ancient document still be relevant to me today? It has been read, reread, and re-reread again. It has been debated over matzah, mannah, challah, bagels, burgers and burritos. It has been sermoned on to Orthodox Jews, Conservative, Reform, Hillelnicks, socialites, non-religious and the non-awake.

Yes, the Torah delivers to us values, rules and customs, but as a 20-something just out of college, looking to find my way, I need help getting a job, finding a mate, finding free places to download mp3s (Soulseek, but you did NOT hear that from me--ed.) and figuring out what I should do with my life.

And then I took another look at the Torah. I blew off the dust, talked to some friends, confirmed with my salsa bowl of advisers and realized that maybe Moses and crew knew a thing or two that could help this 20-something out.

This week Abraham needs to find his son a wife. A nice Jewish girl. So like any father he sends out his slave to another city, and tells him to wait by a well (watering hole!) and ask young maidens for water. The first girl to offer water for both the slave, Eliezer, and his camels wins Abraham's son's hand in marriage.

Bingo. Big wedding, Hora dancing, frat brothers as the groomsmen, glass is broken, son is married.

Rewind to the beginning - I think I noticed something. Here is the portion rewritten:

How to find a nice Jewish girl
by The Commissioner, Abraham and Eliezer

  1. Start with a father (Abraham) pressuring his son (Isaac) to find a NJG (Nice Jewish Girl).
  2. Go to the well watering hole.
  3. At the watering hole have in mind what you are looking for. Know the difference between a girl that offers water for you vs. a girl that will get water for your camels as well.
  4. Travel with Camels.
  5. Don't just go for the first girl you see. Wait for the one you want.
  6. It's OK for a girl to come up to you. And make sure she offers drinks for your camels.
  7. Make sure that you have someone to recommend her to your family.
  8. Get married, break a glass, dance the Hora. Amen.
  1. Start with your Jewish parents pressuring their son to find a NJG.
  2. Go to a place where you will encounter a lot of NJGs: Synagogue Young Leadership. Birthright. A Bar. (Only if it's here, ha.--ed.)
  3. At your location, have in mind what you're looking for. Know the difference between an IJC and a NJG.
  4. Bring your friends.
  5. Don't buy any girl that squeezes her arms together a drink. It's OK to be selective.
  6. The girl that you are really looking for will make an effort to befriend buy a drink for your friends. Even if they are camels in real life (they're ugly, they spit, they have humps).
  7. Make sure that you have someone to recommend her to your family.
  8. Get married, break a glass, dance the Hora. Amen.
SIDENOTE: The title of this Parsha is "The Life of Sarah." However, Sara dies in the first sentence, leaving the rest of the Parsha describing the search for a wife for her son, Isaac. This should not be ignored by a young 20-something male looking for a mate. A Jewish mother's job is not done until her son is married. And even then, this new woman in her son's life will never take precedent over her, the mother.

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