Great - And Not-so-Great - Decisions (Sh'lah L'kha)

I’m sitting in a Bank of America, waiting for a specialized banking assistant (how mighty are the names we give ourselves these days), when I get a text message from a friend:

I’m officially a homeowner. Bid accepted.

G-d damn, a homeowner? I still live at with my parents. A kid nearby wanders over, and grabs my pants leg. Hello, there. I used to be your age once.

It’s now two years since college graduation, and partaking in a Jewish tradition, I moved back to my parents’ house. Just for two months, I promise. I have three weddings this summer, plus the one this past spring; we’re getting married left and right. They say graduation is the big leap, but I disagree. We just move into temporary jobs or positions: graduate school, consultant work (whatever that means), English teaching positions in foreign countries. The big leaps are happening now: house purchasing or building, buying cars, making job decisions that affect career paths, and - oh, yes - the marriages. Those are big decisions, but those aren’t the biggest ones facing us right now.

This week’s Parsha is all about big decisions. The Israelites come to Canaan, scout it and report that it is inhabited by giants who live in fortified villages. The Israelites suffer a moment of weakness (Giants in fortresses. I mean if G-d told me I could beat MJ one-on-one, I’d give him a look) lose faith in themselves, and opt not to fight, despite the fact that God has told them they will win. All because of some big giants.

For people like us, we’re the Hebrews of that age: staring in the face of these big decisions. It’s funny then that we spend most of our time staring at either a computer or a TV screen. It’s 48 inches, and you can count the pores on Jessica Alba’s face in Sin City. Totally worth it.

A good part of our lives is eaten up in the commute, precious hours devoured in the office, and we arrive home too exhausted to do anything other than slum it on the couch. We’re too occupied with the day-to-day to pay attention to even the week-to-week. Except weddings, I have those planned out … and the bachelor parties.

It’s not that there aren’t big things on our radars. We do pick up the occasional magazine displaying ways to put our pension in good shape for when we retire. G-d, that seems far away. Some we take care of, some we don’t. Some changes we make in our daily lives make us feel like we are wielding great control over it. Not only are these tomatoes organic, but grown locally. But the biggest decisions are the ones that we don’t even get a chance to really consider. Like, are we spending enough time with our friends? Do we get to get away enough?

Recently, I went on a trip to Italy with my brother (younger) and sister (older). I went despite worries about my ability to afford it (nope) and the time it would take (can’t afford that either), because my mother insisted that we three wouldn’t ever be able to do this again. And while we got along with varying degrees of success (Colin, I swear if you drag us to another museum, I will pour this wonderful bottle of Chianti on your white pants), I’m glad I went, because, my mom (gasp! Is he really saying it?) was right - who knows if I’ll be ever again be able to take off 10 days straight at the same time as my brother and sister. Those moments are ones we sacrifice like little lambs, in the hopes of putting ourselves in a better position 20 years down the road.

I think we know our big decisions. I think we know when we’re not making the extra effort to remain connected to our own self. It’s like a big giant staring us in the face. We know what will make us happy, but we fear the consequences, despite how good it feels to spend the weekend with a good friend, or to take off an evening to catch up with a good book. And unlike the giants that Israelites will eventually beat 40 years down the road (G-d’s punishment to the Israelites for not believing in him), our giants will continue to come back, again and again, and it will be our job to slay them then as we hopefully will do now.